Am I Crazy?

So.. I've signed myself up for several races leading up to my goal of running a half-marathon in March 2012. Am I crazy?  I have continued running everyday for the past 2-3 weeks and honestly, have really enjoyed it. Yes, the first few days sucked, but now I look so forward to my daily run. I know I'm not covering long distances yet, but when I ran 2 miles straight the other day, I was very proud of myself. I still have my 5 mile race coming up on the 27th, which I am extremely nervous about, but I'm hoping it won't be so bad. We'll see!

Race schedule:

5K October 8
5K October 30 (with Ben in the stroller dressed in his Halloween costume) I'm so excited about this race!
10K November 6
Half-Marathon March 2012 (AHH)

Any of you runners out there please feel free to offer your running tips. I need them! This is something that I really didn't think I would like, but now that I've gotten into it, it has been great "me" time. I run while listening to books on tape, which to some I'm sure sounds boring, but I really like it. It makes the time FLY by.

I was running! (in my best Forrest Gump voice)

So.. in addition to trying to cut back carbs (which I have continued to do, although now I allow myself some nibbles of carbs every now and then) I have also started running and working out pretty hard every day. I know this doesn't sound like much, especially to those of you who have worked out several times a week for years and years, but I have officially worked out every day for 8 whole days in a row. This is big time y'all. My friend Leigh encouraged me to sign up for a 5 mile run here in Raleigh on August 27, and I have been training for that. I'll never to run the entire 5 miles by August 27, but I'm going to try really hard! I've already lined up a few other races in October and November to keep my motivated and to keep my running after the August 27 race. So far I've been running 1 mile per day, and just yesterday I bumped it up to 1.25 miles. Hopefully by this time next week I'll be able to do 1.75-2 miles (crossing my fingers). My overall goal is to be able to run 5 solid <10 minute miles consecutively. I know this will take time, and I have a 10K scheduled November 6 to test my progress. We'll see!

Anyways.. In addition to running I also add 20-30 mins of moderately intense "rolling hills" on the StairMaster, and about 15 minutes of weights. (I have to do my workouts in 1 hour or less because that's how long the nursery at the Y will watch Ben).

I know this probably doesn't sound like much, but for me it's a big deal. I'm trying to take baby steps so I don't get overwhelmed, and my goal is not to be skinny, but to be healthy. Posting this helps keep me accountable as well.

In Ben news- he is still all over the place. This boy is now pulling himself up, and crawling like crazy. He has figured out the stairs too. Nice! He's our little wild child.

We've also just listed our house! So.. if anyone is interested in an awesome 3 BR 3.5 bath townhouse in Raleighwood, let me know!

Gotta Get Down on Friday

I'm going to make this post short and sweet. TGIF is all I have to say. Bring on the weekend. What what.

Ahhhh Postpartum Anxiety

**I am obviously not a doctor- so this is absolutely NOT medical advice, I just simply wanted to share my story.

So, I'm taking a big risk by writing this post. I wanted to share my postpartum story because I feel like many other moms probably went through the same things that I did or at least something similar- and if this can make someone else feel a little bit better about their postpartum days, then it's worth it to air my dirty laundry.

So.. let's do a little background check first. The entire time I was pregnant I was absolutely horrified by PP Depression. I have no idea why.. I have never really been depressed in my entire life (except for maybe in middle school at some point, but I think that if you are a girl, and you were ever in middle school, then you were probably depressed at some point- those days were brutal, huh?). Anyways, the stories about moms who didn't want to take care of their babies scared the crap out of me, mainly because I didn't understand it at ALL. How could you not want to care for your child? I know, I know, that sounds incredibly judgmental, but it's the truth- I honestly didn't understand it so therefore, it scared me.

Let's fast forward to Ben's arrival. The first 6 weeks were great. Of course I went through the whole first 7-10 days of baby blues where you're completely overwhelmed and tired and feeling a little bit crazy, but that (luckily) went away and after about 2 weeks I was feeling (somewhat) back to normal. Of course I was extremely tired, but I felt overall pretty good. So at this point (about 5 weeks into it) I was feeling pretty confident that I had dodged the bullet on PP depression/anxiety etc.. Then it hit me. Ben was exactly 6 weeks old and I woke up feeling completely overwhelmed. I didn't feel sad really, but I just felt this overwhelming sense of anxiety. I was all of the sudden freaking out that Evan was going to get in a car accident on his way to work (it got so bad I even looked up car crash statistics- I know, right??). I couldn't even look at a knife or a pair of scissors without having these awful visions of Ben somehow getting stabbed by them.. weird, I know. And don't even get me started on my back porch. I was terrified of it. I didn't even want to walk outside because I was so scared that Ben would somehow fall off. These thoughts seriously scared me so bad that most days I would bawl. What would my life be without Ben or Evan?? So scary. During this time it was really hard for me to eat/sleep too, which absolutely didn't help a THING.

So, after about a day or two of feeling not quite right, I made a doctor's appointment. It scared me that I was having the thoughts about the knives/porch/car accidents. I was terrified that in some weird, unconscious part of my brain it meant that I wanted to hurt my child- which obviously sent shivers down my spine. I, in NO way, wanted anything to ever happen to Ben. Most of the time I didn't want him out of my sight. What in the hell was going on with me???

The next day I went to see the doctor. She told me that I wasn't depressed, but that I had some major anxiety issues, that were probably triggered by my hormones, and it might be helpful to go see a postpartum psychiatrist to discuss. I was all for it. I wanted to feel better, and I felt confident that I was taking the right steps to feel better.

Here are some examples of the thoughts I was having:

• Instead of worrying about the present, I would find myself already worrying about Ben when he gets old (driving, doing drugs, drinking, his feelings getting hurt in school, bullying...etc).
• I would think about mistakes I had made in the past and totally dwell on those, worrying myself sick over "what ifs".
• Car accidents, me getting sick, Evan getting sick, Ben getting sick. You name it, I'm sure I worried about it at some point during those 6 weeks.

Therapy was both good and bad. I was very up front with the doctor, letting her know that I did not want to take any medications, I just wanted to learn some relaxation techniques that would help me relax and sleep better. Well, unfortunately, she was very pushy in trying to get me to take an anti-depressant. Please don't get me wrong, I know that there are some people that really need medicine, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that- but I just didn't really want to go that route. I also noticed that the more I talked about being anxious, the worse I felt. It was almost like every week before my appointment I would build up scary things to tell her so we would have something to talk about. I believe it was around the third session that the doctor told me I needed to take medicine. I didn't feel comfortable with this since I had told her so many times before that I didn't want to take anything, but she was the doctor, and I decided I needed to listen to her...

I was then described an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. Here's when things got really bad. The first two days taking the medicine I felt so awful. I  know part of it stemmed from the fear I had of just taking the medicine, and part of it was the side effects. It made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin and it also affected my sleep. I literally didn't sleep for THREE days. As if I wasn't feeling crazy enough, after not sleeping for three nights, I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I'm not exaggerating either. I was almost delirious. Up until this point the anxiety I was experiencing was not affecting how I was caring for Ben. I could get through it. But, once I lost those three nights of sleep I felt doomed. How could I watch Ben adequately without sleep???? So.. my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother came to my rescue. I don't know what I would have done without her. I stopped taking the medicine after 3 days and let my grandmother actually help me. I ended up spending the night at her house that night, leaving Ben and Evan at home. I needed my sleep. And although I cried so hard leaving them, it was very important for my mental and physical health that I slept.

Once I got a full night's sleep, everything got better. I realized that Ben didn't need me 100% of the time. I could trust other people to take care of him when I needed to take care of myself. I also realized that sleep is seriously so important. I also learned to trust myself. I knew I didn't want to take any medicine, and I knew in my heart that I didn't need it. I still feel guilty to this day that I let the dr. talk me into taking it. Again, don't get me wrong- I know medicine does really, really help some people- and if it helps you, go for it (but under a doctor's supervision ONLY).

Weeks 6-12 of Ben's life were very hard for me. But, I did learn a lot. You WILL get through it. I know my story is probably very extreme compared to most people's postpartum experiences, but I just hope that maybe, if you've had a baby and you're not feeling quite right that this will help- and it's normal. I also realize that there are moms who had it a lot worse than I did, and I'm very lucky to have only gone through 6 weeks of roller coaster emotions. I learned that my weird, obsessive thoughts about knives, porches, car accidents, etc are fairly common amoung new moms- and that as long as the thoughts scare the SHIT out of you, then you are not going to do anything to let your baby get hurt. It's when the thoughts don't scare you that you should worry! LOTS of moms go through this, but I really believe some people are afraid to talk about it. Whether it's anxiety, like me, or depression, your hormones can do funny things that you can't control and it's VERY important that you get the help that you need. You deserve to enjoy every minute of your baby's childhood.

Things that help when I'm feeling anxious:

• Getting Outside- even if it's only for 5-10 minutes, just taking a walk makes me feel better.
• Exercise- let someone else watch the baby and get a good 30-60 minutes of cardio in. It will clear your head and help you feel better.
• LET PEOPLE HELP YOU!! I got so overwhelmed because at first I wouldn't let anyone help me do anything. I was losing sleep that way, and honestly, it started making me feel a little trapped. Let family/friends/husbands/boyfriends/lovers(haha) help you.
• GO TO TARGET- Haha.. I know this sounds funny, but sometimes, even still today, if I need some "me" time I jump in the car and go to target. It relaxing to me to walk up and down the aisles and just look at stuff. This may sound totally boring to some people, but I love it, and it helps me!
• Take your vitamins. I take a prenatal vitamin still, plus a B-Vitamin combo. I was also told (if you are nursing) to take extra Vitamin D.
• Drink LOTS of water. Eat well too. Don't fill your body up with junk- because it will make you feel like junk.
• Stay away from alcohol. Although one drink may ease your anxiety temporarily, relying on it will only make you feel worse in the long run.
• Talk about how you feel. This is one thing I am VERY proud of myself for doing. I talked to anyone who would listen about how I felt. Even if the person that I was talking to didn't want to listen, it helped me to get out my thoughts. Talk. talk. talk. And if you don't have anyone to talk to- write it.

Disclaimer:

Please girls, use your head. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed and none of the above tips help you, don't be afraid to call your doctor. And OBVIOUSLY, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby.. CALL 911!

To learn more about PP Anxiety, go here, don't rely on me!

Carb Free...

So... this past Monday marked 4 weeks that I have been carb free (minus a little bit of cheating while I was at the beach). I have cut out all bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, etc... basically everything good. My diet now mostly consists of lean meats, veggies, low carb fruits, water, vitamins, nuts, and Breyers Low-Carb ice cream :) with the occasional glass of red wine. When Ben got here, and while I was still nursing, I was seriously obsessed with carbs. Bread, pasta, rice, ANYTHING. I guess I just needed whatever could give me energy quick, because I craved it all- and it was all so bad for me. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand that it is totally OK to eat whole grains and healthy carbs, but that was not what I was doing. My diet was seriously white, as in, white potatoes (french fries, baked potatoes, hash browns) or white bread (biscuits, rolls, pancakes)... I am honestly kind of embarrassed that it got so bad. Somehow I still managed to lose the majority of my baby weight, but I still had/have about 10 pounds I want to lose. So, about a month ago I decided I was going to give up all of those bad carbs cold turkey for about 4-6 weeks, and then slowly reintroduce "good" carbs back into my diet. My parents are on low carb diets (my dad is diabetic, and my mom does it to support my dad) and it has really helped them. My dad hasn't taken insulin since he started, which was right after Ben was born, and he has also lost about 55 pounds- and counting. My mom is already tiny, but she is working out a lot and in great shape.

My goal is to lose a total of 15 pounds. So far I've lost about 7-8. The first few days of the diet were absolutely brutal. I had no energy, and was seriously starving ALL of the time. But starting on about the 4th day I started feeling so much better. I wasn't hungry all of the time. I didn't have a headache all day. Also, oddly enough, my anxiety level was much lower. It was already fairly low to begin with (since Ben was about 12 weeks old, but before that it was a different story!), but I noticed a definite change. I have been sleeping better too. This is very important because I am not a good sleeper. I'm serious- I am a serial benadryl-taker at night, but for the past few weeks I haven't had to take my usual 1/2 dose to fall asleep, which is great!

Some of my fave dinners are:

Grilled Chicken  <--try this recipe 
Filet with asparagus
Zucchini and squash chopped up and baked with EVOO.. yum. I also sometimes add red onion and red pepper to jazz it up a little bit.

At first this diet sounds awful, but honestly there are plenty of options to keep things interesting. I probably eat a larger variety of foods now than I did before I started doing the low carb thang.

Hopefully it will continue to be this easy. I'll keep you updated!

I'm in Miami trick..

Not really.. We were actually in the ever so classy and awesome Myrtle Beach, SC. And we had a blast! My family has vacationed in Myrtle Beach since before I was born, so honestly, it's like a second home to me. I love it! I know people make fun of MB all the time, saying it's trashy, too crowded, blah blah blah, but it's awesome- so get over it ;) Evan, Ben and I headed down south Friday morning, and Ben traveled wonderfully. He napped the first 2.5 hours, and the last 30 minutes just hung out. He's so awesome. The added bonus of our trip to MB was the fact that my brother was there the entire time we were there. It was so awesome to hang out with him. He's been in GA the last year and a half, so I don't get to see him too often. Watching him hang out with Ben was amazing. Ben love his uncle Chris.

The first night we went to Cagney's for dinner. Yummy. Delish. Although it took wayyy too long! Evan also accidently scared the s*^t out of this poor little boy who was about 2. While Evan was holding Ben in the bar area (Ben lost his cool once it hit 10:30) this little boy walked up to Evan, thinking he was his dad. When the little boy realized that Evan wasn't his dad he freaked! Poor guy, his parents of course rushed in to the rescue, but it was pretty funny.

Day two started off well, Ben woke up bright and early and we had a nice breakfast and then headed to the pool. Wow. We were NOT prepared for the heat. It seriously felt like it was about 120 degrees out + 200% humidity. The fact that I had attempted a long walk with Mom/Dad/Evan/Myra/John earlier did NOT help the fact that it was miserable out. We spent most of the afternoon in the pool, which was fun, but once it hit about 4 we had had enough. Ben still loves the pool, thank goodness!

That night we hit up Umberto's.. which was also awesome. I have been on a no carb/low carb diet for about a month now, and I definitely had to cheat a little bit to get through that meal. Family style Italian is NOT conducive to low carb.. oh well, I got over it real fast.

Ben overall was in a fantastic mood the entire trip! I've said it before, but this age is sooo much fun. I don't want him to grow up. He's crawling around like crazy right now, I can't keep up!! He gets faster every single day. It's nuts how time flies. Ben turned 7 months while we were at the beach.... he is officially closer to his 1 year birthday than he is to the day he was born :( I fall in love with him more every day. God, Ben and his daddy are my everything :)