So, I'm taking a big risk by writing this post. I wanted to share my postpartum story because I feel like many other moms probably went through the same things that I did or at least something similar- and if this can make someone else feel a little bit better about their postpartum days, then it's worth it to air my dirty laundry.
So.. let's do a little background check first. The entire time I was pregnant I was absolutely horrified by PP Depression. I have no idea why.. I have never really been depressed in my entire life (except for maybe in middle school at some point, but I think that if you are a girl, and you were ever in middle school, then you were probably depressed at some point- those days were brutal, huh?). Anyways, the stories about moms who didn't want to take care of their babies scared the crap out of me, mainly because I didn't understand it at ALL. How could you not want to care for your child? I know, I know, that sounds incredibly judgmental, but it's the truth- I honestly didn't understand it so therefore, it scared me.
Let's fast forward to Ben's arrival. The first 6 weeks were great. Of course I went through the whole first 7-10 days of baby blues where you're completely overwhelmed and tired and feeling a little bit crazy, but that (luckily) went away and after about 2 weeks I was feeling (somewhat) back to normal. Of course I was extremely tired, but I felt overall pretty good. So at this point (about 5 weeks into it) I was feeling pretty confident that I had dodged the bullet on PP depression/anxiety etc.. Then it hit me. Ben was exactly 6 weeks old and I woke up feeling completely overwhelmed. I didn't feel sad really, but I just felt this overwhelming sense of anxiety. I was all of the sudden freaking out that Evan was going to get in a car accident on his way to work (it got so bad I even looked up car crash statistics- I know, right??). I couldn't even look at a knife or a pair of scissors without having these awful visions of Ben somehow getting stabbed by them.. weird, I know. And don't even get me started on my back porch. I was terrified of it. I didn't even want to walk outside because I was so scared that Ben would somehow fall off. These thoughts seriously scared me so bad that most days I would bawl. What would my life be without Ben or Evan?? So scary. During this time it was really hard for me to eat/sleep too, which absolutely didn't help a THING.
So, after about a day or two of feeling not quite right, I made a doctor's appointment. It scared me that I was having the thoughts about the knives/porch/car accidents. I was terrified that in some weird, unconscious part of my brain it meant that I wanted to hurt my child- which obviously sent shivers down my spine. I, in NO way, wanted anything to ever happen to Ben. Most of the time I didn't want him out of my sight. What in the hell was going on with me???
The next day I went to see the doctor. She told me that I wasn't depressed, but that I had some major anxiety issues, that were probably triggered by my hormones, and it might be helpful to go see a postpartum psychiatrist to discuss. I was all for it. I wanted to feel better, and I felt confident that I was taking the right steps to feel better.
Here are some examples of the thoughts I was having:
- Instead of worrying about the present, I would find myself already worrying about Ben when he gets old (driving, doing drugs, drinking, his feelings getting hurt in school, bullying...etc).
- I would think about mistakes I had made in the past and totally dwell on those, worrying myself sick over "what ifs".
- Car accidents, me getting sick, Evan getting sick, Ben getting sick. You name it, I'm sure I worried about it at some point during those 6 weeks.
Therapy was both good and bad. I was very up front with the doctor, letting her know that I did not want to take any medications, I just wanted to learn some relaxation techniques that would help me relax and sleep better. Well, unfortunately, she was very pushy in trying to get me to take an anti-depressant. Please don't get me wrong, I know that there are some people that really need medicine, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that- but I just didn't really want to go that route. I also noticed that the more I talked about being anxious, the worse I felt. It was almost like every week before my appointment I would build up scary things to tell her so we would have something to talk about. I believe it was around the third session that the doctor told me I needed to take medicine. I didn't feel comfortable with this since I had told her so many times before that I didn't want to take anything, but she was the doctor, and I decided I needed to listen to her...
I was then described an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. Here's when things got really bad. The first two days taking the medicine I felt so awful. I know part of it stemmed from the fear I had of just taking the medicine, and part of it was the side effects. It made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin and it also affected my sleep. I literally didn't sleep for THREE days. As if I wasn't feeling crazy enough, after not sleeping for three nights, I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I'm not exaggerating either. I was almost delirious. Up until this point the anxiety I was experiencing was not affecting how I was caring for Ben. I could get through it. But, once I lost those three nights of sleep I felt doomed. How could I watch Ben adequately without sleep???? So.. my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother came to my rescue. I don't know what I would have done without her. I stopped taking the medicine after 3 days and let my grandmother actually help me. I ended up spending the night at her house that night, leaving Ben and Evan at home. I needed my sleep. And although I cried so hard leaving them, it was very important for my mental and physical health that I slept.
Once I got a full night's sleep, everything got better. I realized that Ben didn't need me 100% of the time. I could trust other people to take care of him when I needed to take care of myself. I also realized that sleep is seriously so important. I also learned to trust myself. I knew I didn't want to take any medicine, and I knew in my heart that I didn't need it. I still feel guilty to this day that I let the dr. talk me into taking it. Again, don't get me wrong- I know medicine does really, really help some people- and if it helps you, go for it (but under a doctor's supervision ONLY).
Weeks 6-12 of Ben's life were very hard for me. But, I did learn a lot. You WILL get through it. I know my story is probably very extreme compared to most people's postpartum experiences, but I just hope that maybe, if you've had a baby and you're not feeling quite right that this will help- and it's normal. I also realize that there are moms who had it a lot worse than I did, and I'm very lucky to have only gone through 6 weeks of roller coaster emotions. I learned that my weird, obsessive thoughts about knives, porches, car accidents, etc are fairly common amoung new moms- and that as long as the thoughts scare the SHIT out of you, then you are not going to do anything to let your baby get hurt. It's when the thoughts don't scare you that you should worry! LOTS of moms go through this, but I really believe some people are afraid to talk about it. Whether it's anxiety, like me, or depression, your hormones can do funny things that you can't control and it's VERY important that you get the help that you need. You deserve to enjoy every minute of your baby's childhood.
Things that help when I'm feeling anxious:
- Getting Outside- even if it's only for 5-10 minutes, just taking a walk makes me feel better.
- Exercise- let someone else watch the baby and get a good 30-60 minutes of cardio in. It will clear your head and help you feel better.
- LET PEOPLE HELP YOU!! I got so overwhelmed because at first I wouldn't let anyone help me do anything. I was losing sleep that way, and honestly, it started making me feel a little trapped. Let family/friends/husbands/boyfriends/lovers(haha) help you.
- GO TO TARGET- Haha.. I know this sounds funny, but sometimes, even still today, if I need some "me" time I jump in the car and go to target. It relaxing to me to walk up and down the aisles and just look at stuff. This may sound totally boring to some people, but I love it, and it helps me!
- Take your vitamins. I take a prenatal vitamin still, plus a B-Vitamin combo. I was also told (if you are nursing) to take extra Vitamin D.
- Drink LOTS of water. Eat well too. Don't fill your body up with junk- because it will make you feel like junk.
- Stay away from alcohol. Although one drink may ease your anxiety temporarily, relying on it will only make you feel worse in the long run.
- Talk about how you feel. This is one thing I am VERY proud of myself for doing. I talked to anyone who would listen about how I felt. Even if the person that I was talking to didn't want to listen, it helped me to get out my thoughts. Talk. talk. talk. And if you don't have anyone to talk to- write it.
Please girls, use your head. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed and none of the above tips help you, don't be afraid to call your doctor. And OBVIOUSLY, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby.. CALL 911!
To learn more about PP Anxiety, go here, don't rely on me!
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